Weight Loss Means Learning to Take a Compliment
This weekend I went to a party at the house of a friend who I hadn’t seen since I started my weight loss program. I didn’t realize that the jump from 175 to 165 was way more noticeable than the jump from 185 to 175 or even the dip from 185 to 175. I got swarmed. I wasn’t really prepared to accept any accolades – truthfully I don’t really see a change despite being thirty pounds lighter than I was last year at this time. It took me a long time to see the fat girl in the mirror and now she’s the only one I can see. So, I listened and thanked my friends graciously and then cried like a baby on the ride home. I hear the nice things, but I can’t believe them. Not yet.
When I was about 13 years old, money was about as tight as it had ever been. In my house, if you could work you were certainly expected to do so. If you had a job (or were old enough to have one) you were required to buy your own personal items like shampoo and tampons. Since I was expected to be home every day for my step-siblings, the only job I could hold was babysitting. It didn’t generate a lot of cash and to be honest, what pocket money I had I spent on junk food. Teens without personal items ..well, it’s not so pretty. I suffered the social wrath of my schoolmates and in my case, my family so for Christmas my mother and stepfather gave me and gave me shampoo and a poster for my wall. The shampoo, I totally appreciated (despite the underlying message) but the poster burned a scar that still hasn’t healed. It said “Laugh at yourself, everyone else does.”
Up until that moment, the fact that everyone was laughing at me was just sort of an undercurrent. Putting it out there in the open and under the Christmas tree left me with a level of doubt that I haven’t quite been able to move past despite decades of trying. I could hear you talking, I believe that you believe that you’re sincere, but in the back of my mind, I didn’t really believe the nice thing you were saying.
Imagine my surprise when I discovered that I could find love and acceptance from people that I’ve never met. Being online, and hanging out with people of similar doubt and worry has been incredibly uplifting in a way I didn’t know was possible. I’m leaning on your blogs and your kind comments. I carry your words around in my pocket.
As I’m losing weight, I’m working to find my out of the maze of self doubt and self loathing that has done nothing but trap me under layers of fat. I’m working on seeing my true self – and not just the artificial girl show carefully crafted by survival skills.
Mostly, I’m working on the idea that it’s okay to be seen – no matter what size I am. Being part of a weight loss community, knowing that I’ve found a soft place to fall is the kindest compliment I’ve ever been given.